To my roots, to nothingness, to You,

I am wishing for a Doctor to come take it all away. To erase this from happening, to postpone it, to rewrite it. I am feeling helpless, and alone, and terrified, and suddenly afraid of death. I have never been so actively afraid of dying. Of your death. Now I'm feeling all morbid. Not spacey wacey but human and unchangeable. I know I have to find a way to change it myself, take a step to the left, to the right, find another truthful angle. Because I love you and I will go with you. Inevitably. But how do I land such a leap? This is insurmountable space.

I've felt this before- teetering on the edge of a precipice looking into a void. I can see the other side. I can see where I'll come up for air I can see the outcome. But I know I have to go in and I don't want to.

That one snuck up on me. I only blinked and then suddenly I knew where I was, what I had to do- no choice. This feels more like walking towards it, slowly- towards the cliff, and I can't tell how deep the valley is or how dark or how steep, or even how far away I am from the edge...

I love you! Don't go!

And- Thank you. Thank you.

What happens when you haven't written in a long time, when you can't sleep, when someone you love may lay dying? You make peace with reality by dreaming. You accept where you are and what is happening and allow yourself to be a little morbid.

I will MISS YOU. I am SO GRATEFUL.

Your Sunshine