CONFLICCCTTT you are apparent in my soul. i love school and i don't like getting blown around by stupid winds. only 5 weeks left? that's really sad! i love it here. i wish i could pause the schoolwork part and just exist as if it were summer camp. i've met so many silly and wonderful people here, they raise a lot of important questions! if i had a table for all of my friends, each chair would be decorated entirely differently. the other day i ran around with some of the best people and threw paint everywhere, and i was so happy i wanted to scream. i wish i could take every person i knew here and preserve them in a little bottle. i'd give them good food! and a lovely natural habitat! catcti and various succulents for  the pitzer kids, not to mention hammocks, and orange trees and big green lawns for the scrippsies. it is making me so scared to graduate. why is it that everytime i get settled somewhere i have to think about leaving again! i guess i don't have to think about it yet, but my brain is like a huge scroll that unravels itself into the future, and it's hard to reign back in. i just want to be happy for a little while! and not take things so seriously. it's nice living in a bubble that is so vibrant, it makes me simultaneously excited to go outside it, and content to stay right where i am. i wish that the love i feel here would follow me when i go home.

why can't i go home anymore? i know exactly why. it's because of you! getting close makes me feel sick. i used to love home, now my parents are sad because i never want to come back. maybe that is dramatic but that's how it feels. i guess the 10,000 miles to london should do the trick. maybe i'll be better by the time i get back? why is working on it so harrddd to do. it is infuriating and exasperating, like going to the doctor or waiting on an extremely long line, where little mean people keep poking you in the stomach and throwing things in your eyes. that is actually exactly what it feels like. maybe if enough good things happen, i will be so filled to the brim with love and excitement that i will be able to conquer anything, even you, and even me. let us all hope that that day comes!

with love and exhaustion,
me