Hi there,

I have written you pages and pages of letters before, but you have never read them. Well, no one has read them, so don’t feel gypped. Some of them are pretty awesome, maybe things would have worked out better if I had given them to you! Or if I had said more of it to you. I read in a play I really liked that it’s not good enough to love someone on paper, you have to be able to love them in person. I do love you, as a person, so why was I embarrassed of sharing that with you? I held back. I was afraid I would not be loved back, and it scared me that the more real it became, the worse it would be if it ever got messed up. And both happened in the end, so maybe I was right to try and dim it down, but now it feels like too much of it got wasted. What a silly thing! Sometimes loving you makes me feel like I’m 3 feet tall. It should make me feel bigger! It has at times, just not all of the time, especially not now. And I want love that makes me feel big all of the time, because it wont just be my love, it will be combined with someone else’s too. I wish it could have been yours. It is funny and sad that this is another letter written for you that I wont give to you, but I like to think just putting it on paper is worth something. You always tell me I can come to you if I need you, even now, but I don’t believe you. Maybe I just don’t believe you can give me what I need (or that you want to). I hope that you’re doing well! In a real way, not in a way that you just appear to be doing well. I am doing well. Better than that, I am really happy! It helps me to be completely apart from you, even though sometimes that is the opposite of what I want. Still, I deserve this space. There are a lot of reasons why things weren’t working, that had to do with us as individuals more than us as a unit, because I think we really did want that old and new dream of being together to come true. When I think of you I still want to be with you, but I should not think like that, because you made your choice! Literally, I feel like you picked, a person and a lifestyle, it just wasn’t me. Still, I’ll give myself a little room to imagine, maybe if we can both get ourselves right, it will work out in the end. That can’t be the goal anymore though, I just have to be me, and hope that that falls into place with you, like a puzzle. Our puzzle got super fucked. If you think about it, it is pretty funny, only because everything we were afraid of came true. I am saying that now because I am in a lighthearted mood, usually it makes me feel like I just got punched in the stomach, but I like to think one day we’ll look back and laugh, either together as friends (is it possible??) or independently. Weird how different moods yield such different things. It is 2:30 am and I am still in the study room, but this was a nice way to pass the time. Talking to you without talking to you! Funny.

Anonymous