The thing is, nothing changed for me. Nothing changed for me! I loved you day in and day out, I stayed with you in my heart, every step of the way I never betrayed you, I walked and worked and strayed with fierce loyalty, and that's what burned me, that's what stung, that's what made it so difficult to swallow. I don't fuck around, I mean what I say, I want nothing but to be in your shoes, often, and try to align our steps with some knowledge gained. That's what it is to me, loving and sharing a life! Aligning steps, and learning to walk together out of sync, and never ever making the other person think twice about having you love them. That connection must be honored. Maybe all that sacred bullshit about religion in marriages already means something to me.

How could I do this again? How could I ever go through this again, all over again! I know it would be new. New circumstances, a new person, a fresh perspective. None of it sticks, it could happen again, and again, and I know it would be worth it, but how could I do this again? Chunks of my life becoming dislodged...I can't live with him in my life, I can't do it any other way, but then it's just severing huge chunks of my life. I don't want to do that again. And if it happened with ___, how could it possibly not happen with this next person.

I can't respond. I can't say anything I want to say until I mean it and nothing beneath it.

Sunshine