you know, there are a lot of misconducts we overlooked in our relationship. i feel like we were missing one element, or something- just one. like one tsp of cornstarch in a gyoza, and we couldn't bind. it couldn't last. you texted other girls, i texted other guys; i beat you up with my emotions; you ignored that i had them. neither of us stepping over lines but neither of us existing within them at the same time. but there were moments, and mini golden ages. we had our athens and sparta, a diocletian, our own pre-apartheid mining rush. minus all the racism but the persecution was there. the violent rule showed itself sometimes, mixed in with calm and rationale and many different types of love and periods of stability and dependency. if you truly, and privately, with no one to prove it to but yourself, contemplated your actions- the things you did and didn't do, the things you said and didn't say, the people you indulged in and when and why, the sex you did and didn't want, the books you read and didn't read, the words you heard and didn't hear, the way you changed and what did it...you may agree. i've been doing it, i'm still doing it. we need to learn. if never for each other then for everybody else, and ourselves. honesty. vulnerability. humility. humanity!


jesus, sometimes i mean the things i say so much, even if i say them all the time.


(i don't want to be ashamed of them anymore!)


Sunshine