I've been noticing a lot about myself. I have been noticing these things for a long time, but it's situations like this that really bring certain things to the forefront. I have a tendency to ignore how I feel for the sake of keeping things the way they are. I shy away from emotions because I am afraid of the pain. I am afraid of the pain of others and I am afraid of my own pain. Regardless of everything I've been saying, I really do care so much about you, so my fear of your pain is very strong. But I realize that my fear of your pain can be debilitating. It clouds my judgment to an extreme degree. That's why we don't get into fights. That's why we don't really talk deeply about anything below a surface level. I guess I realize that I have known for a while that the deepest stuff is the stuff that is going to hurt the most. I can't run away from the pain anymore.


After we split up to go on a break I had to confront these things head on. I fucked up in the beginning and just drank and smoked my way through it. Classic me. I didn't have to think. When I started to give it some of the time that the situation really deserved things only got worse. I need to figure out where my head is at. I need to define myself. We both need to figure out some things that I believe are a lot more to the core than we think. We have learned so much from each other. You've taught me a lot of beautiful things about the world. I truly appreciate who you are as a person. You are a genuinely good human being in a world where those are hard to come by. Know that I appreciate that.

Anonymous