to a lover

I can hear you fucking breathing next to me. Yes, I'm ANGRY, why wouldn't I be angry? Shit! Here we are in this fucking halfway house- yes, I know we've done a great job sticking to our plans, and we work well as friends- and as I thrust from craving to composure I end up confused and unsettled, obviously. Shit! I AM angry that we couldn't work out, I am pissed off that I can't just be how I feel like being around you, that we fucking gave that up. For what! For a bunch of fucked up emotions and vices and insecurities, and ultimately for separation! You're stirring in your goddamn sleep sounding like a cute fucking kitten and here I am, subscribing to art or whatever the fuck, not allowed to be near you. No, because that would be weak, to let myself near you now. Now that I have come to the understanding that that nearness was poison. Now, like a cigarette, I resist you. But you're NOT like a cigarette! You are more than filler and we were more than give and take, you couldn't even fit into a box if I wanted you to! And you didn't. And that is why I am here, wanting you, not sure if I'm loving you, because I'm too near-sighted, and not near to you. It was easier to sort out when you weren't here, dozing a foot to my left, making me think that what I had sorted was sorted in blindness. And how, if I continue to be so near, will we ever join again with an appreciation for the nearness? I MUST represent myself, I must! Or all that I've earned back from you and made you understand will fly out the fucking window. And plus, won't it be harder for me then, tasting something sweet to find a rotten core? Won't I be so full of lament and denial, then? Yes, I'm angry I even have to question this this way. It's not even the result it would bring, or the comfort I would receive, it's just being able to release the tension that not being able to release my kiss or my hands, brings. Do you feel that way? I wish I didn't have to question us both. Why didn't I just stamp out this possibility? No, I know why. It's literally right in front of me. If nothing changes after all this and you forget that I tried, I will chop your dick off. If we both move away, well, you can keep it. If I don't feel like shit in your nearness I feel like shit a foot away from you. I still fucking love or whatever the fuck it is you, you asshole.

I swear, this IS a love letter,

Sunshine