To myself

Ok, sweetheart, enough of this. You have been alive for 19 and a half years here, and never even once have you been anything other than true and good to yourself. In addition, this relationship with yourself has never once taken away from your ability to love everyone else. And sweetheart, we both know that loving someone does not mean making them endlessly happy as a result of your love. And you know what baby, we know something not many others must know, too, don't we. So hold onto that, don't forget it, don't forget why you're here, and what you want to leave this world with, and what you don't want to leave this world with. You're not crazy, pretty one, you're just not- but you are wounded so be mindful of that. Others don't have to be if you are. No, you're not crazy, just confused, because never have you ever felt like such a failure, huh? You can usually handle anything! I know, and I completely understand. It's not that what your feeling isn't normal, or that you're drawing this out, or being childish, or unnecessary. Come on now, that's not fair. Obviously it's natural, and it's raw, and you don't need everyone here to understand that; you don't need to convince everyone of how it feels or how it is or explain yourself. No, sweet one, not even him. You've got a good handful of people who try to understand, who even when they don't understand why you're acting or reacting the way that you are still trust you and don't think you're nuts (or a child), and I think it's safe to say he's in that hand. This is crazy, girl! Every wave of pain associated with the guilt you feel for this semester is backed up by a monster wave of pain and guilt because of Tasha! It's like a double tsunami. Craziness- frankly I'm proud of you for not going crazier. I'm sure a lot of people might have lost themselves or some important friends in their life during a double tsunami. You're doing alright. He's got it, baby, don't worry. And when you feel like everybody sort of thinks you're nuts- please know that I understand why this all stresses you out so much, and I acknowledge that it has less to do with self preservation than confusion with the guilt and the exhaustion. These things run deeper than just what to do today or a month from now. You've got life questions, darling, and anxieties and cross-examinations going on- new and turbulent shit! No one else sees you dealing with that. I don't think you're weak. I see you trying to work it all out: Tasha's death, that other thing, what you did wrong what to do now how to let go how to convey, trying to be the best friend and girlfriend you can, while not losing it. I see you working hard everyday (remember baby, nobody else can- it's all in your head!)

Always, always right here with you,

Sunshine.