To a crush

Do you even know how much I think about it in a day? It's like, obsessive, because no sense ever comes out of it: weighing the pros and cons, setting rules for myself, breaking them. I'm running in circles. But still, I obsess...partly because it's fun- slowly withdrawing from class, the world, whatever my professor's yapping about, and thinking. THINKING- man, I haven't done this kind of thinking since I don't know when. Maybe it's an escape. Maybe I need something to obsess over to stay sane right now. Trust me, I've analyzed it 'till it barely even exists anymore.

I try to get a grip; grasp my situation even just a tiny bit- I write myself notes: "Dear Sammy, get a grip," and then, "Dear Sammy, I'm sorry, but you've totally lost it." I set daily goals for myself. The last one always ends up being something like "4. Follow these rules today. Now pay attention to what the man in the suspenders is saying." I always break them. It's like, impossible to ask myself to go back.

Then sometimes I let myself dream, and imagine. I indulge. I become so involved in my dream world that when I get sucked back into reality I'm like positive someone must have been able to hear my thoughts. I wonder what you would do if you could.

I'm so close to leaping across, inappropriately, breaking the seal, giving into it, falling in love. I want to. Oh my god, I'm in so much trouble.

But then again...I swear, I look at you and it's all worth it, it all make sense, I'm not crazy. OH MY GOD I'M IN SO MUCH TROUBLE

Love Sunshine