To a lover

What gives you the right to be frustrated with my actions? If you are, which of your actions should make me want to have you in my life? Do you think i am worth something? Then why did you think it would be so easy? If you didn’t think it’d be so easy, why did you try and then give up? Where is your voice?

  

Which of your actions should make me eager to see you? What made you think that pretending we’re normal friends would make me feel good? If you did think that, it doesn’t. it doesn’t make me feel good. it makes me feel unimportant, easy to let go of, and too small to be as loud as i can be. I am important, and i am trying to surround myself with people who make me feel that way, because i’m trying to grow into feeling that way on my own. Isn't it obvious?

I don’t wanna be the bad guy. I’m not trying to one-up you, or ignore you, but i can’t have you in my life right now. It cramps my style, because you don’t lift me up anymore. You stopped showing interest in what i want or how i feel a long time ago

What makes you think i wouldn’t be surprised by your sudden desire to have me in your life and be in mine, expecting that i would open my arms? I’m protecting myself, how could you expect me not to? If you are angry, or annoyed, or frustrated, that is natural, but if you are at or with me, why can you not simply ask for an explanation? I don’t feel obligated to go out of my way to give one without you asking anymore. I gave up on that when i walked away from being your fall back. You have no right to be angry with me without trying to understand. I have never ignored your calls, or showed contempt. I have only not made any blatant attempts to put myself around you. Can you truly blame me for that? Can you truly not understand, or identify with me not particularly wanting to come to your home, and play with your dog, and talk with your mother? You gave that up. Give me time alone now. Please don't hate me for it. Isn't it obvious?

You can't go through life ignoring things and hoping they'll go your way. Our actions, and lack of actions, have consequences. Our relationship is not impervious to that- i am not impervious to your actions. They hurt me. They make me move away from you.  Isn't it obvious? I had love for you. A lot of it. Now my safe place has been contaminated, and they're blasting the wrong kind of music. So I'm changing dance floors.

I'm trying,

Sunshine